Trafalgar Revisited



Nelson: Order the signal, Hardy
Hardy: Aye, aye sir

Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
Hardy: Sorry sir?

Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability". What gobbledygook is this?
Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered racist

Nelson: Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco
Hardy: Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments

Nelson: In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle
Hardy: The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking

Nelson: Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead
Hardy: I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water

Nelson: Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please
Hardy: That won't be possible, sir

Nelson: What?
Hardy: Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected
Nelson: Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy
Hardy: He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral
Nelson: Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd
Hardy: Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled

Nelson: Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card
Hardy: Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency

Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons
Hardy: A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?

Nelson: I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy
Hardy: The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral

Nelson: What? This is mutiny
Hardy: It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks

Nelson: Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Hardy: Actually, sir, we're not

Nelson: We're not?
Hardy: No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation

Nelson: But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil
Hardy: I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary

Nelson: You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King
Hardy: Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
Nelson: Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash? Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on corporal punishment

Nelson: What about sodomy?
Hardy: I believe it's to be encouraged, sir
Nelson: In that case ...kiss me, Hardy

Contribution by Ann Hope